Every loss is painful, every story is individual – here’s mine.
It began at the 12-week pregnancy scan, which I attended alone due to COVID restrictions: ‘there are two babies, and I’m seeing some things I wouldn’t expect to see…’ the sonographer said quietly.
A second opinion, referral to fetal medicine and invasive CVS test later, it was explained that my identical twin girls had only a 15% chance of a ‘normal’ outcome. After another month of testing their chromosomes, scanning their organs and reviewing their markers, all of which came back normal, I developed sudden onset Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS), where identical twins receive an imbalance of blood and amniotic fluid, which is fatal to both unless treated.
Following emergency surgery in Birmingham, the twins survived. But a week later, when I was 20 weeks pregnant, Twin B, Beatrice suffered a huge bleed to the brain, and sadly died. It was International Women’s Day – 8th March 2021.
Twin A, Emmeline, had miraculously recovered well from the TTTS surgery, and her journey invitro continued, alongside her sister.
The fetal medicine department made an immediate referral to Forget Me Not Children’s Hospice, and their dedicated midwife started working with us straight away, to provide emotional and practical support for the weeks and months ahead, including presenting information about memory making when the time came for the twins to be born, and explaining decisions we needed to make about Beatrice’s funeral arrangements.
I carried both twins for another eight weeks until they were born by emergency c-section in May 2021 – Emmeline was in poor condition, was resuscitated and whisked off to NICU, and Beatrice was brought to me and placed in a special cooled cot, so we could spend some quiet time together.
It’s hard to describe the intense and conflicting emotions around losing a baby, whilst simultaneously carrying, then starting a long journey to health with her twin. Unfortunately Emmeline then had a difficult first 7 months of life and we nearly lost her a number of times. This has meant my grieving process for Beatrice has not been straightforward; there is still much to process, and my healing journey continues.
But from the outset, to this day, the support I’ve been able to access has been phenomenal, and I’m learning to come to terms with everything that has happened, and to move forward.
Throughout my pregnancy, and in planning my return to work after maternity leave, I was open about what had happened to me, and this has resulted in a huge amount of flexibility, compassion and understanding from The Growth Company. I’m now back to my contracted hours and am managing my work and life as best I can, with all the usual trials and tribulations faced by any working parent!
If you’ve lost a baby, in any circumstances:
- Seek out and push for as much help and support as you can, from organisations, friends and family as you feel is right for you
- Speak to your line manager or HR at The Growth Company about support on offer for you, including leave arrangements and the EAP
- Be kind to yourself, feel the feelings and ride the waves as they come
- Talk about your experiences, if you feel you want to – the more we share, the less alone we feel, and it encourages others to share
- Think about memory making now and in the future – I’m having some jewellery made to incorporate Bea’s ashes, buying her an annual Christmas decoration alongside my living children’s Ted and Emmeline, and talking to them about her as soon as I have the words (Forget me Not are helping with that too)
If you’re supporting someone who has lost a baby:
- Don’t be afraid to ask them how they are, and listen to what they say
- Remember every loss, no matter how early, is painful – it’s the loss of what could have been, as well as what was
- Take their lead on how/if/when they want to speak about their loss
- If you can, provide basic things for them in the early days – meals/food always goes down well, or help with the chores
- Avoid using the words ‘at least’ in reference to their experience
I’m now a proud mum of a feisty NICU graduate, and a mum of three – but only two you can see. My experiences have shaped my outlook and I’m determined to turn them into positives where I can. My inbox is always open, for anyone who wants to share or talk.
Below are some organisations I contacted or received information from:
- ARC – Antenatal Results and Choices
- Tommys – for all those suffering baby loss
- SANDS – Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity
- Forget Me Not Children’s Hospice (West Yorkshire based)
- BLISS – for babies born premature or sick
- Twins Trust
- NHS Dedicated bereavement midwife – ask for them
- NHS Perinatal mental health team – GP/Health Visitor/NICU can refer